Tangle

 

A poem written by me is usually closer to my heart as compared to a paragraph or two produced for a blog entry. The reason behind this is that a poem gives me more liberty to pour out my emotions without giving much personal details to the audience. It is as if, only the poem and I knew how every word and stanza either relate to my experience or how it does not and what specific personal experience inspired me to create such. Much like a movie, a song or a book, a poem could be a synthesis of my own familiarity and the product of my imagination. Also, it could either lie in one of these extremes. And the best part is, no one would never know about the alteration that you had done. Others will never consider you a liar; just as someone who is creative enough to make something like that. Some will try to pry but that is the worst thing that could happen. If I have the option to  just hand over a sheet of paper containing the poem about my experience to people than to tell them all the details of that same experience; I would choose to do so. But that, truthfully, is not a good idea if adapted in the outside world and is ideal only if we are not constantly stressed out by the demands of reality.

While organizing my clutter, I had come across some poems that I have written before. I regretted that it had not occurred to me before to compile my poems that is why some of it got lost already. Anyway, I am still ecstatic to see some of those, which I have written, that are still left with me.

This positive feeling had pushed me then to create another blog solely for my past and future works. If you like what you saw, visit my other blog to get a good dosage of my treasured poems. See you there!

Traditions

We, Filipinos, have a lot of remarkable customs and apparently, most of our customs give importance to our innate and nurtured family values. Since we were kids, we were always asked to kiss the hand of our elders (pagmamano), to utter po and opo when speaking to an elderly individual and to incorporate kuya or ate when communicating to people who are years or just even months older than us. At first, these customs never made any sense at all but as time passed by, we eventually came to know that the said traditions are significant to our seemingly conservative and reverence-demanding society since these exude undeniable respect. Also, as we continuously execute the mentioned quirks, all of these had eventually been deeply engraved in our systems that doing so became already second nature to us; no need for the elders to remind us what we need to do and no effort coming from us in carrying all these out.

It was a memorable day today since it was my first time to witness how a guy’s family do pamanhikan and how a girl’s family is bound to react to the proposition. One of my numerous second-degree cousins decided just yesterday that he will going to marry the girl of his dreams soon. Not only had he informed his parents about it but the heartwarming news had also reached his extended relatives and that apparently included us. I always thought that wedding talks are only exclusive to both the immediate family of the soon-to-be bride and groom and that is the reason why I was kind of adamant to go with my mom and lola. Anyway, it had dawned on me just today that it does not seem to be the case. Weddings, as early as the pamanhikan stage, already reflect the strong traditions of family; extended family included.

We arrived at the girl’s house at around 3:00 in the afternoon. Though we are numerous in number, all twelve of us were still openly welcomed by the girl and her parents. We sat uncomfortably in the plastic chairs circled around in their living room, solely prepared for our expected visit. Since it was the first time for the parents of both parties to meet each other, a long awkward silence from all of us inevitably followed after we try to find a comfortable seat and an ultra lovely view of the sweet and respectful gesture that will ensue. Furthermore, the nervousness coming from my cousin and his girlfriend made the awkwardness more pronounced than ever. After my tita felt that the silence is already creeping into everyone’s nerves and, not to mention, her son is still trying to build up enough amount of courage to do what he came to do, she took hold of the situation without further ado. Her taking control made all of us comfortable and eventually, one by one, opened up.

After much masking of the anxiousness that we all are feeling, my cousin, out of the blue, stepped up and tried to gain our attention by clearing his throat. All of us immediately responded with silence. Eventually, he knelt down in front of the girl and took out a small box containing the obvious. While the ladies in the room openly expressed their kilig through unending sighs and longing look, I would like to think that our macho relatives, on the other hand, were apparently trying to fight the kilig since they just gave off blank looks which is no doubt more manly than giving off a smile with teeth showing. Anyway, I could literally feel that the giddiness that we all are feeling towards the done gesture clouded up the atmosphere of the room and it heightened as he asked the most romantic question that any girl will be asked in their lifetime.

With just a simple yes from her, she immediately became a number of grams heavier and a notch higher close to being a loving wife and caring mother. Upon hearing the affirmative response, all of his nervousness with regards to the engagement evaporated but were immediately replaced by another set of nervousness acquired from the soon-to-come ironing out of the wedding plans and his future responsibility as a husband and father. Being miles out of the chaotic world of dating, finding the other person who they wanted to spend their lifetime with and finally looking forward to building a stable and amorous filled home, which will have a fair share of happy moments and predictable challenges to face, are all except daunting; unless of course you still do not have the maturity and stableness, from all aspects of your life, that all of these blissful things require.

I applaud my cousin’s courage to propose in front of the people who are most important to him and his girl’s life, as well as the guys who already did that before him and those who are thinking of doing the same thing. He could have opted to propose to his girlfriend without the intimidating audience, but he chose to do otherwise. It just shows how much he loves the girl and how much he puts worth to the blessing that he will get from the elderly; a very strong family values he got there which is truly admirable in whatever era you come from.

Social conditioning from the destructive media lured us to believe that these values are already outdated and that these are not necessary anymore. But however hard we try to shove off and dismiss the importance of these values, the fact that all of these could still produce a gutsy yet respectful, as well as an authoritative yet considerate individual still remains. How I wish for people who had lost their Filipino values to pick these all up once again and for the others to hold on to their innate and embedded values once and for all. It’s these little quirks that we have that makes us distinguishable from other nationalities, so let us try our very best to liven up what we had been known for and not be just a mere carbon copy of the other cultures in which most of today’s youth obtain their baseline of what the norm should be from.

New Look

Friendster was the in thing prior Facebook but as the latter gained so much popularity, the hype for Friendster had eventually died down. I could not hide the fact that I was one of those avid users; always updating the look and content of my profile, uploading pictures and leaving numerous testimonials and photo comments here and there. But like any other products that had became popular yet failed to improve and cater the growing demands and ceaseless whims of their typically discontented audience and, at the same time, worst critics, Friendster had apparently experienced the same fate. I, too, grew tired of it somehow. From opening my account almost every hour, I eventually had lessened my visits to none… until just today when my cousin informed me that Friendster got a new look.

The look is a breath of fresh air. Without reading the text logo, I will almost never recognize that it is indeed my long lost online outlet screaming at me right here. I got so enticed to check out the changes for myself but what I had seen so far is somewhat similar to what the other social networking site has been offering. It is so poignant to imagine that all of those hard work and sleepless nights that the website developers had to endure were all spent in achieving an end-product close to just being a mere replica of Facebook. I would have praised it more if they had done something novel which has the capability to make everyone who had lost hope tremble in enthusiasm and in turn could eventually start another round of incarnation for Friendster through word of mouth and raves of its undeniable social value from the people. Anyway, I think I am just being my usual impatient self and just judging too early. Maybe, Friendster is still working on its breakthrough function that would left everyone’s mouth hanging upon. I hope that I am not just assuming.

Friendster is not the only one that has a new look, I, too grew tired of my look that I opted to have my hair be cut short, too short for a typical lady’s taste and too short to naturally cause a commotion and confusion for girls and guys alike, by a new stylist in a newly discovered salon.

I hope you do like my hair though as much as I do!

I just found a fragment from an article that really struck me. The title of the article is What Should I Do With My Life written by Po Bronson for Fast Company.

“There are far too many smart, educated, talented people operating at quarter speed, unsure of their place in the world, contributing far too little to the productive engine of modern civilization. There are far too many people who look like they have their act together but have yet to make an impact. You know who you are. It comes down to a simple gut check: You either love what you do or you don't. Period.

Those who are lit by that passion are the object of envy among their peers and the subject of intense curiosity. They are the source of good ideas. They make the extra effort. They demonstrate the commitment. They are the ones who, day by day, will rescue this drifting ship. And they will be rewarded. With money, sure, and responsibility, undoubtedly. But with something even better too: the kind of satisfaction that comes with knowing your place in the world. We are sitting on a huge potential boom in productivity -- if we could just get the square pegs out of the round holes.

Of course, addressing the question, What should I do with my life? isn't just a productivity issue: It's a moral imperative. It's how we hold ourselves accountable to the opportunity we're given. Most of us are blessed with the ultimate privilege: We get to be true to our individual nature. Our economy is so vast that we don't have to grind it out forever at jobs we hate. For the most part, we get to choose. That choice isn't about a career search so much as an identity quest. Asking The Question aspires to end the conflict between who you are and what you do. There is nothing more brave than filtering out the chatter that tells you to be someone you're not. There is nothing more genuine than breaking away from the chorus to learn the sound of your own voice. Asking The Question is nothing short of an act of courage: It requires a level of commitment and clarity that is almost foreign to our working lives."

Change

I had been battling with my confidence issue for quite some time now. Despite knowing for a fact that I have my own strengths and talents to share with the rest of the world, I could not help but to compare myself, still, with other people. Instead of focusing on harnessing my own strengths and talents, I always am left trying to nourish the things that I am not good at. I am always left with that notion that if I could just do what they can do, maybe I will be better.

I was focusing on the wrong things before. It had dawned on me now that a bird could never swim no matter how hard it tries in its lifetime but it can fly and in time can fly higher and faster with the right attitude and when armed with the right tools and determination. Not being able to do what the other person can do is not a sign of weakness, it never is.

I forgot that diversity is good, that diversity is there for a reason. I want to come to that full realization that I am unique and that is the reason why the world needs me. No two people are alike, even one of those twins that we see in our everyday lives has a different personality as compared to the other. I do not want anymore to try to be someone that I am not.

Instead of focusing on what I cannot do, I want to see myself nourishing those strengths and talents that I have more than ever. I want to see myself as someone who is confident enough to share her uniqueness and innate talents to the world without inhibitions. Maybe the reason why I keep on comparing myself with the others is the fact that they are doing something about their talents. They are sharing it for the betterment of the community and in turn they are able to touch lives. My talents, on the other hand, remain stagnant and untapped.

I want to step outside of my comfort zone, I want to see myself be part of making a change for the betterment of the world even in my own little way. I want to try things that I have not tried yet. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to stand up for myself, for what I believe in. I do not want anymore to keep dwelling on things that I could not anymore control nor be paralyzed by my irrational fears. I do not want to keep on thinking about the what-if’s of life. I just want to be proactive. I just want to act. I think that being open to constant change is all that we need on our journey to be a better individual.

I believe that I was designed by God to do far greater things... much greater than what I am accomplishing right now. I could not help but to constantly crave for something yet to be known. I just know that I do not want anymore to be stuck in my own little box. I just want to be able to act out my life purpose.

Costume Galore

In lieu of the halloween celebration, the company that I am working for had organized another trick or treat event which had been participated by the kids of both its regular and contractual staffs. The office building was filled with huggable kids in their little costumes yesterday carrying their little baskets and marching around their cute little faces and bodies with their yayas or mommy for the whole company to see. It was also the perfect time for the proud parents to show-off their little sweethearts to their colleagues.

Staffs had been tasked to decorate their floor areas as part of a decorating competition and as to serve as mini-haunted houses for the kids who will do trick or treating. Younger staffs, like us were the one who had been delegated with the task of decorating and it has really been an exhausting week last week because of the preparations. However, all those late nights and hard work that each and every one of us contributed to the beautification of the whole floor had paid off for it was announced yesterday that our floor had won the second place (the 1st place was given to the floor where the country chairman's office is located). I wonder why, since I think our decoration was scarier than theirs. Haha, issue.

I had been with the company for about a year now and this was the only time that I had fully experienced the said activity. I so regretted not bringing a camera last year that is why I vowed not to make the same mistake again. Good thing, my brother entrusted to her older sister his awesome camera yesterday. All for the camera's sake, I had also bribed him to drop me off in the morning and pick me up after office hours in the office since it is his term break. Well, I think he would still do the same thing for me even without the suhol. That is how great he is! Haha. Hatid mo ako uli next week ha.

Here are the girls preparing and doing their makeup.

This was the final outcome of their preparation. Bloody Hospital is the theme of our floor but I do not know why the guys opted to don colorful wigs. Anyway, they had not defied the purpose of the haunted floor since they were still able to scare those kids.

Cuteness! I was really trying so hard to stop myself from pinching their cheeks. Kakagigil!

But wait till you see this baby. I think he's the cutest one in the flock. People were literally gushing and herding around him. Quite a gem!

Haha! Pure hotness! Well, this is Edward (or is it?). I am not sure if people were calling him Edward just because of his vampire attire or because it was really his name.

And here are his fans. Haha.

Also, children from the Cancer Warriors Foundation were also invited by the company to do trick or treating. I know that inviting them is not that of a big thing but I think it had somewhat brightened up those kids' day. It was really a noble gesture from the company to invite these kids and I hope that they had enjoyed their visit here. For this batch, the scare treats were omitted.

I caught a picture that will integrate how frightening our floor was for those kids. I just hope he have not had a trauma after this event.

Pero naawa talaga ako sa batang ito. He was really scared!

And it's all because of...

Our mummy Chuck. Sige, thumbs up ka pa riyan Chuck, mamaya traumatized yung bata niyan. Lagot ka. Haha.

The day ended with a very good news for all of us. We got the second place, which is frankly a good accomplishment since there were so many competitors and the competition was really tight. NOT! Haha.

Good job guys! Till next year.

From a Fan of Ala-ism

A tweet from one of my favorite bloggers immediately caught my undivided attention as I was browsing my twitter account last night. She said that she will going to quit now her blogging career and will now make room for new growth. I was disheartened upon knowing the news but dismissed it since I know for a fact that I can still read her blog anyway.

Or that's what I thought.

It had been a constant thing for me to do to check her blog every now and then just to see if she has something new to share that can make me smile and could inspire me in some ways like what her other previous entries did to me. I can still remember that time when I first stumbled upon her blog. I can not literally take my eyes off it. I could not get enough of her stories. Each of her entries entices me to read more and to not stop reading until I had gone through all of it. That is how inviting and addicting her blog was.

I like her unpretentiousness, her being able to capture the essence and lesson of all her experiences and her capability to put into concrete and seemingly fitting words these experiences. Not a single event in her life has gone to waste. It felt like I was reading a non-fiction novel which I could not put down. As time passed by I could not help but to ultimately root for the protagonist. Of course, in this case, she is the protagonist.

All that she wrote came from the heart. It felt like nothing was filtered and left out. Thoughts, feeling and events as she experience it, however personal those may be, were indisputably shared to the rest of the world. All were written as it is. How I wish to be selfless like that.

She and her blog had become a great inspiration to me. Aside from my deep love for writing and that want to track my growth through the coming years, I mainly start off this blog of mine with her blog in mind. I was so envious but in a good way though. She had blogged for 6 years. Putting together 6 years worth of experiences is truly epic and being able to go back to each and every single one of those experiences through reading as those was written by someone who is familiar and yet so strange; someone who pretty much resembles oneself but not quite is much blissful. I want to also do that for myself. In the future, I want to travel back to time and see how much I have changed and matured through the past years and I think this dream of mine will come to life through blogging.

According to her tweets, she had already deleted her blog. I was trying to get through it yesterday but I obviously could not.

Upon recognizing this sad reality, it dawned on me that I could not read her blog anymore. I could never go back now to my favorite entries that she once posted; entries that were once just sitting in her web space, very much available for the whole humanity to see. I felt kind of lost. But despite my sadness about all of these, I am truly happy for her. The spark and inspiration that her blog left off are all that is left with me. I will rekindle once in a while that spark so that it will not be put off.

I really want to thank her for sharing. I am so blessed to stumble upon the blog of a truly talented individual. From the deepest part of an avid fan's heart, thank you and kudos to you Ms. Ala Paredes of Ala-ism! I'll just be here waiting and looking forward to your next venture.

Whiners

It is not usual for me to whine about things. I find complaining about little and unnecessary things a total waste of time and energy. Things like sitting in a traffic, waiting for a person and falling in a super long line are just outside of my control. Yes, I do know that I could have had prevented it from happening but I also know that there is nothing I could do about it anymore at that given moment. I can tell you that I could easily go through those without emitting any grumbles and mumbles of sort. Well, it does not mean that I am not secretly annoyed about the fact that I had to wait for hours but I could apparently put up with all those inconveniences. I am just like that. I do not want to tire people with my useless complaints.

I always ride a cab to go to work every single morning. I had a hard time getting a cab earlier because it was already kind of late and traffic by the time I got off our building. Anyway, after 30 minutes or so of trying to hail a cab, I fortunately got one. Being my usual controlling but empathizing self, I told the driver to make a U-turn and just take the "road less travelled" to avoid the traffic.

Driver: Hindi ba traffic diyan?!
Me: Hindi po.

He then took my advice and drove off to where I want him to go. Upon entering "the road less travelled", I asked him to take a left turn on the next street in which he retorted "Tapos saan tayo niyan?!". I just told him plainly that we will take a right turn upon reaching the end of that street and we will then take Kamagong. I was quite taken aback by the tone of his voice but I chose not to mind it thinking that maybe that was just his normal voice.

After quite some time of travelling in Kamagong, we then came to a temporary halt because of the traffic.

Driver: Traffic naman itong tinuro mo.
Me: *silence* (I had become so used on hearing the reply, that I just dismissed it. The traffic was caused by the traffic lights ahead and I knew that it will not last longer than about 5 minutes. The traffic there was just normal and there were just so many cars lined up that time and the road was kind of narrow that is why almost all the drivers who do not normally pass there are always quick on assuming that the traffic there was heavy.)

Well, I was right. The cab advanced again in no time.

Upon reaching the end of Kamagong, I asked the driver again to take the rest of my default route only to be flooded with freakingly annoying comments from him: "Paikut-ikot naman tong gusto mo", "Hinayaan mo na lang sana ako", "Wala kang diskarte", etc. blah blah blah. I had replied to some of his comments but stopped myself midway because I am not the kind of person who will retort to those kind of nonsense. He was actually grumbling and mumbling the whole time which kind of got in my nerves. But anyway, indifference during these times is the best reply (revenge).

For his information, I had already tried all the possible, convenient routes there are from our house to the building where I am working and vice versa. I had also done experimentation. I tried leaving the house on different times and tried different routes to just find the most efficient combination for me to reach my destination. I had timed all of my trips, logged all those data to my phone's notepad when I was just starting in my new job so I am quite confident that this route that I am taking now is the most practical route there is regardless of what time I am going to leave the house.

People like that cab driver are just so annoying. Nakakasira ng magandang araw. Kung tutuusin hindi nga siya naipit sa traffic e. As much as possible, I always try to be considerate and mindful but maybe he did not take it that way. I was trying to save him from the traffic and I was trying to reach my workplace in no time and I was trying to create a win/win situation for both of us but I guess I failed. Haha. He should have just shut his mouth.

Anyway, what was even worse is that he still has the nerve to not give me the rightful amount of change that I should receive back. What a jerk. I would have let him take it if he had been an accomodating driver but because of his attitude, he does not deserve it. Haha. Para sampung piso lang e.

A Bad Combo

I am trying to continue the drafted post that I had left off last week but could not seem to do so. My brain is not functioning again and this might be because of my colds. I really could not concentrate well whenever I have it. Teary eyes, runny nose and a lot of sneezing is a really bad combination for just about anyone but this is a natural occurence for me whenever I have a cold. I think me and my brothers inherited this from our parents. I tried compensating my lack of sleep by practically sleeping away my whole Saturday but to no avail. Haha. Anyway, it just goes to show that I am not really a night person like most people that I know and I really could not function well without a good night's sleep, specifically an 8-hour sleep during the night. Hay, para akong bata.

In any case, I promised my body a good night sleep tonight and I am going to hit the sack early. I just want to regain my body's full strength and energy for work tomorrow. Parang totoo ha.

PMS Busters

I am having again another episodic attack of depression, moodiness, silence and "Gah! I am so worthless" thinking rolled into one today. I always get these attacks. There never was a month when I have not felt it. Maybe this is my body's way of notifying me that I am already nearing my monthly period. The attack would normally come at the middle of that particular day and will linger for about a few hours or so depending on my receptiveness to free myself from that state. Nonetheless, I totally dislike the feeling and I hate the fact that I have to undergo this phase every single month.

Anyway, what a girl's got to do about the inevitability of the situation but to just be ready in counter attacking it, right?

Well, I have my own set of PMS busters and these are, most of the time, accomplished in the order shown below:

1. Read favorite fashion, photo and local blogs (A good entry from the bloggers that I follow could already lighten me up.)

Below are the blogs that I frequent:

Gibbs Cadiz of Gibbs Cadiz, Anton of Our Awesome Planet, Wendy of Xiaxue, Ala of Ala-ism, Jane of Sea of Shoes, Diana of hot chocolate and mint, Lauren of Ukay Manila, CD of Manila Fashion Observer, Betty of Le Blog de Betty, Karla of Karla's Closet, Tokyobanbhao of Le monde de Tokyobanhbao, Tiffany of I am Style-ish, Lucrecia of Fashion is Poison and Jessica of Jessica Claire - Photographer

2. View my friends' profiles and pictures in facebook or chat with my colleagues (That will make me redirect my attention to somebody else.)

3. Go to the bookstore near our building. (The bookstore nearby sells second-hand books. I love old books. I love the smell of those. I am addicted to it. Breathing in a whiff can already make me high.)

4. Walk around the block. (Exercise releases endorphins which in turn could make anyone feel healthy and happy.)

5. A dose of vanilla ice cream. (I do not know how or why, but this has been my instant pick-me-up for quite some time now. Food really does wonders no?)

Well, that's it! I can assure you that once I have done all of those, my ADHD will again kick in and I would be very much okay by then. Haha.

Stolen

I could not believe that I almost lost my cellphone and wallet earlier today.

I had lunch with Ica. We opted for Jollibee because it is just across our building and we do not have to walk to Paseo Center, where Reyes Bbq was located which was our first choice and which is a 10-15 minute walk from our building, anymore. The establishment was packed with people by the time we entered the restaurant that is why we just decided to eat our ordered food in the floor's pantry.

Our floor's pantry is so small. Well, it can actually accomodate 10 standing people (or more if you would force it). But I can tell you that those 10 people would be extremely uncomfortable unless they are all friends. Anyway, a boss is then occupying the counter that time, leaving us with no choice but to sit on the two red chairs available. We then proceeded on sitting and eating our bought food, using our lap as our table. But after a few minutes and realizing that we could not really eat well on that position, Ica suggested for us to eat at the canteen located at the penthouse of the building.

It almost took us thirty minutes or so to finish our meal before getting back to our floor. Upon reaching my work station, I suddenly realized that I was not clutching my phone and wallet anymore. I really really got nervous! Who would not right?! I was actually half expecting for the worst and half hoping that I will still find those. I got so worried! I was already rehearsing my "nawalan po ako ng cellphone at wallet papa at mama" lines that time. I just had that phone last year and I got it as a graduation gift from my dad. It would be so embarrassing to tell him that I already lost it. I also have all my identification cards there, my PRC license and bank cards, which upon realization made me more worried and fidgety than ever. All because of my carelessness.

I backtracked. I had gone first to the penthouse and even compelled to check the trash that Ica and I left on the tray. The items were obviously not there. I knew that it was not there because I had never ever left my belongings in the canteen.

As I was waiting for the elevator to go down our floor, it suddenly occurred to me that I had placed my cellphone and wallet on the pantry's counter. I had vividly remembered putting it on top of the counter before seating on one of those red chairs. But lo and behold, my items were not there where I last put it! And to make matters worse, they are nowhere to be found inside the pantry.

There were only two possible scenarios for this event:

1. Somebody might have took and stole those.
2. Somebody might have took and kept those for safekeeping.

I was still trying to be hopeful that time but the idea that I may never actually find those again kept on bugging me. Good thing I still had the sanity to ask a colleague for help and he was more than willing to give it naman. Bait di ba?

But instead of going out and asking people around, he knowingly pulled and led me into one of the boss' cubicle. I was actually adamant that time. Why are we heading to a boss' cubicle when we have to find my lost items right NOW?! I thought "Putik naman tong si kuya To, nagagawa pang magloko e we have a serious business to deal with!" Haha. But as we got near the cubicle, I caught a glimpse of my beloved stuffs on top of the table and suddenly all my worries volatilized.

Thank God.

It turned out Sir Marvin got my stuffs and put those for safekeeping. He jokingly said that it may not seem like it but he had already whipped out all the money from my wallet. I jokingly told him that it was okay since there were no cash in there in the first place. True enough wala nga! Putik, pati yung snatcher malulungkot kung makita niyang 40 pesos lang laman ng wallet ko e! Anyway, I super thank you Sir Marvin! It also turned out that my colleagues had already known the whereabouts of my "missing" wallet and cellphone but did not inform me. Sarap batukan! Pinapahirapan pa ako! Nakakatawa nga namang mang-trip ng tao at mas nakakatawa kung putlang-putla na sa nerbyos yung tinitrip mo.

Well it was okay, I just laughed it off with them afterwards. I know I will also get my revenge in the near future. Bwahaha! Lagot kayo!

Shoe Talk

I found my mom and lola cleaning the house as I reach our unit the other day. Since I do not want to feel so worthless while they are immaculately cleaning our lovely abode, I immediately scanned my mental to do list @ home for a task that I can easily do right then. These are my top priorities:

1. Organize my innumerable shoes and put them in their own boxes
2. Rearrange my wardrobe by colors
3. Categorize my books. Putting those that I have already read on the bookshelf placed on top of our bedroom door and stashing those that I have not read yet in the corner near our window.

I did "1" that day since I have been wanting to organize my shoes for ages then and have not got time to do so, which is most of the time my default excuse if I just want to bum around the house on weekends. Also, doing so would be very advantageous for me. Finding would not be that time-consuming anymore since it would be easier for me to find the shoes that I want to wear for a particular day if they were in their proper boxes, I would not have to bitch around, silently even, about not finding things that I want to find immediately and I would never ever have to feel sooo guilty for bitching afterwards. Triple advantage!

I do not have an ultra huge collection of shoes, by the way. I strongly believe that my collection is just a little bit lamang if compared to an average girl's shoe collection but I think my dad would totally disagree with what I just said. My dad is an Ilocano, and an overblown one to be exact. And for your information, Ilocanos are said to be naturally stingy. So, if you do ratio and proportion, my dad would be super stingy na no? Hahaha, kidding.

Well, he used to pester me with questions like "Ha? Why would you need another pair of shoes" or "Sira na ba yung iba?" or "Caterpillar ka ba?" and would always tell us stories of him just having two pairs of pants and shoes during his adolescence. I never actually caught the lesson behind his story. What should I do? Wait until the day that my toes would already be sticking out of my shoes?! Hahaha, kidding again. One time, my brother counter attacked his story by saying "Malas mo lang noon Pa mahirap tatay mo, e kami mayaman tatay namin". The bout was so funny that all of us just ended up laughing out loud. But seriosuly, with the tone of his voice, maybe he was also secretly asking himself why we, his desirous children, could not manage to have just two pairs of shoes like him, when in fact he had been perfectly fine with just those. Oo nga naman.

I can still remember how our conversation would progress at the mall if ever we would ask him to buy us something. Since we already know how our dad would react at this, One of us would first approach our mom holding the item that we want.

One of us: Ma, bilhan mo ako nito.
Mama: Huwag kayo sa akin magpabili, kay Papa niyo kayo magpabili! Ang hina-hina niyo!

This statement is accompanied by a glaring eyes that we had grown so afraid of. As I grew older, it dawned on to me that "the glaring eyes" was just my mom's tactic for us to learn how to approach our dad if ever we need something. Since we only get a few weeks to be with him in a year because of his work abroad and since we are very much accustomed to coming up to our mom if we have things that we need fixing, I think my mom just wanted us then to feel that we could also approach our dad if ever something comes up, if ever we have a problem or something like that.

Anyway, one of us would then approach our dad.

One of us: Papa, pabili nitong ______.
Papa: Ha? _______ na naman?

(Papa would always say this although it has already been ages ago since we last asked him to buy us something)

One of us: Sige naaaaa...
Papa: Pambihira.
One of us: *silence*

(We will look helplessly then to our mom.)

Papa: Pambihira. Tsk tsk. Pambihira

(He will smirk and will then look also at my mom and will eventually draw out money from his ever dependable belt bag while continuously muttering pambihira over and over again.)

I do not know how to be annoying and I do not want to be a brat, forcing my dad to buy me the stuff that I want that is why I would just resort to silence. Good thing, he would still buy me the stuff that I want even after so much deliberation, deep thinking and silent grumbling from his side. Maybe my mom had also glared at my dad that is why he would eventually and miraculously give in to our desires. Haha.

I have a very clear memory of these incidents because it had ALWAYS been like that. There came a point when I got sooo scared to ask him to buy me just about anything.

My dad is very much galante na these days. Yikee. His reason was that one of his children had already graduated from college.

I love my dad's minimalism. I am still in awe with this. I think his simplicity is what has been keeping us from spending way too much and what has been encouraging us to save and be financially aware. We had never been spoiled by our parents and I really thank them for doing so.

Quarter-life Crisis

While I was getting ready for work earlier, it suddenly hit me that it has already been over a year, 1 year and 3 days to be exact, since I graduated from college. And thinking about it made me realize more how rapidly time is moving in relation to my life's progress. The analogy goes something like: Time is to the speed of light and Lav is to the speed of sound. I believe that's how uber slow I was moving comparative to time. I have not done anything worthwhile yet since I graduated which is quite frustrating, really. And I have not really done anything to alleviate the frustration which, in turn, makes it even more frustrating.

I love Math. I love Logical Reasoning. I love solving mathematical problems to the point that I could literally sit for hours to just solve and solve. I would be more than willing to jump to another problem after solving one. It is like an obsession. I was addicted. There were times in my early college days when I would re-solve all the math problems solved earlier that day in class upon reaching home and would read all the chapters covered (you could also see me obligingly reading the next topics to be discussed to get ahead of the lesson, if I like the subject) and would answer all the problems found at the end of the chapters to be able to grasp the taught topics even more. Some problems would only take me 5 minutes to solve. Some would even be solvable in just a glance but, more often than not, Math problems would take a great amount of my time and sanity to be solved. Nonetheless, being able to decipher each one of those gave me a sense of fulfillment. I never lost patience. I never got discouraged when confronted with a complicated problem. The more challenging the problem is, the better. At the back of my mind, the harder it is to get to the end, the more rewarding it would be once I attained it.

But those were the days.

Changes took effect when I was already having my major subjects back in college. Most of the time, the old adage that if you just spend more time reading and solving the problems then you would eventually get the topic did not seem to apply anymore. There were times that even if I re-read the assigned chapters a billion of times, I still could not get the basics! And it is rather frustrating, really. Feeling ko tuloy alien ang nagsulat ng mga yun. I am always left thinking that they do not want to disseminate what they know that is why they had intentionally written their ideas in an unfathomable way. And what's the use of writing a book if they do not want their ideas to get across to thousands of regular university students, like me, whose intelligence are not in the same league as theirs ? Well, it's just a theory that I made to mask up my own laziness and lack of patience and focus. But it is true that I read the assigned chapters a number of times first, secretly hoping that I might get the topic eventually, before actually concluding that I really could not get it.

I forgot how hard work and patience operate. I want to catch the essence of the subject matter but I do not want to sacrifice my time in order to get it.

Because of this, I resorted then to the belief that there are things that I would never ever comprehend no matter how hard I try. I know I have my own weakness and I had made myself believe that not being able to comprehend some things is one of my weaknesses. How mystifying it is that we can fool our own selves right? It would be natural for me then to get disheartened and not anymore try whenever I encounter a problem that I could not solve for the first time. There had also been an instance when I had lost faith in my own ability. I often do things then halfheartedly. I just started losing my seemingly indestructible patience that time because of my doubts. And I had been that cynical until I graduated.

I find myself growing more impatient with myself as I grew older. I do not want anymore to do things slowly and surely but I'd rather want to get things done as fast as possible without compromising the quality of my work, if that is feasible. I want to be fast and, at the same time, efficient. But other than this, I want to get the end results immediately without putting much effort and time into it which is quite impossible to do if you think about it. But that is how impatient I had become. I want myself to be that person despite the fact that I would never ever be like that. Hindi lang kasi ako ganun.

I am one of those people who can not produce something with quality without moving slowly. I work best with details. And I really really hate cramming! I do not want to feel pressured for time. I do not experience that "creativity rush" that some people experience when they cram. I always end up doing things sloppily, and most of the time regretting it, if I do resort to cramming. I am a perfectionist and the longer I stick to the task at hand, the closer I believe the outcome would be to perfection.

It is not really true that I have not done anything to lighten my frustration. Truthfully, I do have a plan and I am now on the process of making my dreams happen. I am just impatient. I want to witness something colossal NOW. Something that would make me really feel that I am getting there. Something that would make me realize "Ay, I am on the right track!" although I know that it will take a huge amount of time and patience from me to get to where I want to be.

Fragment

Just a week ago, an unexpectedly strong typhoon hit Metro Manila and other areas close to it. I just read somewhere that Ondoy, which is more known as Ketsana internationally, meant little boy. They never had expected that Ondoy, though perceived as little, would bring such devastation to the archipelago's main area of commerce. Everybody was caught by surprise. Everybody expected it to be just one of those many storms that our country had been encountering every year. Everybody took the littleness of it for granted. Nobody ever thought that a little storm has that capability to end hundreds of lives and destroy thousands of houses, automobiles and properties in just a number of hours, which I think should be at the most bottom of our worries list at this moment. Sabi nga nila, gamit lang yan mapapalitan, e ang buhay hindi na.

It has been 40 years since a same incident happened to the metro and in my five years of staying along Taft, zero visibility perceived from our window's view brought about by a heavy downpour and a shaking glass window brought about by strong winds had already grown into me so really, it would be very unlikely that someone would foresee that this could happen again. Of course, unless PAGASA had beforehand acquired that equipment which could calculate the amount of rainfall that will pour, maybe we could have predicted that this would happen and maybe we could have done something about it. But hey, government or non-government, the damage has already been done and passing the blame from a sector to another sector would not solve and accomplish much.

The consistency of events made us complacent. And rationally, how could someone be not complacent when that someone thinks he could already handle the situation? If we thought that being anxious might have prevented the catastrophe from occurring, I am quite positive that all of us will undoubtedly decide to be anxious for the sake of humanity. Surely, nobody wanted that to happen to themselves or to anybody else.

It is in these times when we truly express our sympathy to those people who had experienced firsthand nature's conspiracy. Everybody either seems to be involved or want to get involved. It warms my heart to see that everybody, foreign or local, is extending whatever help they can extend to the victims. We had, beyond doubt, imbibed and reflected Bayanihan in its truest sense. With this, viewing the catastrophe locally made me think that after Ondoy we are now, little by little, coping up. Are we not?

Even before Ondoy left, it was already announced by PAGASA that two other typhoons, Pepeng (Parma) and Quedan (Melor), will enter the Philippine Islands pretty much soon after Ondoy. We really had not fully recovered yet from the previous typhoon but somehow here they are again. With one being labeled as a huge super typhoon and is predicted to again bring havoc to Metro Manila and other areas close to it, it was apparent last Friday that panic from the people had again arose. A good number of people in my floor had not reported for work. Some who came in have not really concentrated on the tasks at hand and were just tuning in and following religiously the whereabouts of Parma through news updates and reports uploaded to the world wide web. One by one they left until, at around 4 pm last Friday, only four people, including me, were left in our floor. I am not trying to be hard-headed or anything, because I, for once, never wanted to get stranded. Hello?! Who would want that? I would have had left early like them if I do not have anything to do in the area afterwards but unfortunately, I have. Maunahan ko pa silang lahat umuwi kung wala akong gagawin no. Well actually, the activity would not be that of a big deal if it wasn't for the money I already shelled out for it. I had contacted the coordinators earlier that day but they told me that as of that moment, the show that I will be watching was pushing through and they'll just going to update us if there will be any changes. Sayang naman if I would not go so I decided to stay and wait for the final notice.

Came around 5 pm, I received a text message from one of the coordinators saying that due to weather conditions, the night's Spring Awakening got cancelled and will be rescheduled to a later date. I was kind of relieved because of the bad weather that, according to the media, will be greeting us late in the evening and at the same time saddened by the fact that the play will be rescheduled but really, what's another week of waiting right? So upon reading the SMS, I immediately closed my office computer, and realizing I forgot to bring again an umbrella, grabbed the Marketing's sample umbrella lying on my desk and hailed a cab. Well, I am not sure if I could use outside a sample artwork with the company's logo in it but what can I do? I do not want to go home soaking wet naman. I am pretty much sure the boss will understand and I actually took good care of it. I had it dried up pretty good and placed it with our other umbrellas during the weekends and earlier today, I put it back in its plastic cover. I was extra careful not to leave any proof that I used it. So unless they'll going to test the umbrella for fingerprints or unless they'll gonna stumble upon this entry, I think I am quite safe.

The umbrella was put into good use since the rain was really pouring hard the whole time I was trying to get a cab. It took me over half an hour to get one which is typical on a Friday or when it's raining. At 'yung ibang drayber nagdudupang na naman kasi. One driver is trying to make a deal with me; twice of my usual fare because it was super traffic according to him. Come on! how much traffic could it get? Minus na sa may bandang Estrada at Taft, since there were no classes for the whole week for all levels. Since I am not that desperate about getting home quickly, I did not go with it. Twice?! Not reasonable.

After waiting again for about half an hour, I finally got one. The driver who tried to make a deal with me was right, it was really traffic but not the EDSA or Alabang type of traffic where the cars are most of the time literally not moving. I think the traffic was mainly caused by the panic. People just wanted to get home as early and as quickly as possible as to not get stranded if ever the typhoon comes in. Even the roads that did not get much traffic before got congested by cars big time. My sibling also told me that the supermarket, where he and my mom did grocery shopping, had already ran out of instant noodles supply. People are basically stacking up their carts with food that will last long and will make them full instantly. It is a natural instinct for people to get defensive and panic-buy. Well, because of what happened a week earlier, it was a no-brainer that people were then preparing for something worse than Ondoy.

During the weekend, it was said that Pepeng changed its course, saving the whole of Metro Manila and other areas close to it from another devastation. Nonetheless, Pepeng did not left our country untouched. He did not allow that the Philippines will never know about its destructive greatness; Pepeng made a beeline for the Northern Part of Luzon. Casualties had again been reported, crops had been swept away in an instant, thousands of people had been stranded because of the inaccessible roads brought about by the typhoon and the list goes on. Yes, another typhoon had again beaten our country to a pulp and to make matters worse, Pepeng is expected to make a U-turn towards the same area because apparently, Quedan, the next typhoon, is sucking it back in.

Seriously, what's happening with the world? I could not help but feel like one of the Baudelaire orphans of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events with all the things that are happening to us right now. The Influenza A (H1N1) outbreak, dust storm in Sydney, earthquake in Indonesia, tsunami in Samoa and countless typhoons which had took thousands of lives to date globally do sound apocalyptic enough for us, right? They do.

But instead of frightening us, I believe that God is trying to tell us something. I am always a believer that everything happens for a reason and I am, in actuality, viewing the said series of unfortunate events as a wake up call or a simple nudge rather than an outright threat to all humanity.

Whenever catastrophe like that of Ondoy surfaces, my mom always tells us the things she had to endure during the 1991 eruption of Mount Pinatubo. She always describes it as Exodus. What was happening right there and then felt like something that came out from the pages of the infamous book of the Bible. It felt like it was the end of the world for her. Every minute there would be an earthquake. Instead of rainwater pouring, what was pouring down that time were mud and sand. Once in a while, they would hear roofs and tree branches collapsing because of the pressure exerted by the accumulated mud and sand on top of the houses and branches. Frequent shoveling of the said mud and sand on the roofs was needed to ensure that our roof would not fall down. A huge white sheet seemed to be capping up the whole surrounding. It would already be dark by 3 pm in the afternoon. People are basically breathing in dust and what was supposed to be a 20-minute drive from our place to the city became hours' worth of driving because of the sand. Grocery stores and market places are not operating since they also have no goods to sell. Good thing my mom and lola stock up food and canned goods.

Because of the proximity of the said volcano to our place compared to my mom's hometown, my mom decided for us to go to Ilocos Norte that time but then again there were no bus available that could take us to our destination. All of the bus could not get through and we have to go to Pampanga that time, which is quite impossible without a bus, for us to just get a ride to Ilocos. Maybe you were asking why have we not thought about going to Ilocos even before the volcano was expected to erupt. Good point. Actually, all people had known that it will going to erupt soon but they were informed that only those areas that are within the 25-km radius of the volcano will be affected. And the distance between Mount Pinatubo and our town is way beyond 25 kilometers. Akin to Ondoy, nobody expected it would be that of a big deal.

I know I was already there when the volcano erupted but because I was still too oblivious to remember clearly and too young to care, all the stories I heard from my mom were all that I have. But I know that all of those are just bits and pieces of the whole picture and I am just thankful that we had overcome it despite our defenselessness and more thankful to God for taking over.

For my mom, her experience during the Mount Pinatubo eruption was the perfect manifestation of the saying "Money isn't everything". Because even though my mom was holding an enough amount of hard cash that time, she can not use it at all. She can not use it anywhere. And I believe that the same goes to all the people who had been in the same situation and who had directly experienced a calamity like that. People had grown to be very materialistic through the years. We are so caught up on having that new bag, that new model of cellphone, that new pair of shoes etc. that we tend to forget the important things in life... basically, what life is really about. We always find ourselves trying to nourish the wrong things instead of nurturing the vital ones and it is only in these difficult of times that we regain our sensibility about how we are living our lives. These circumstances are like light taps on the shoulder which are meant to wake each one of us from our own version of reality; much like a limb-jerk during a slumber. At the end of the day, it is the closeness of your family that matters, the memories with your lover that will flutter your heart, a good night out with your friends that will stick in your mind, a one great love that will make you feel stable and contented, the realization that your life is on track that will make you smile, and not at all the number of high-end cars you got, the innumerable townhouses you have, your collection of designer shoes and bags and the like. So why bother putting too much focus on those things when you can enjoy life with just enough? Life is absolutely more than what we know.

We do not need another tragedy to come to a full realization that our life is definitely finite and surely, we do not want it to end thinking that we actually lived a life full of regrets. Truthfully, if we had lived a full, guiltless and irreproachable life, there is nothing we should worry about. God is much bigger than our fears and worries. These devastating calamities that we know are just a speck of His greatness. If we just learn to entrust things that what we could not control to Him, I think we will definitely be okay.

A Clean Slate

Here I am again. Starting again a new blog. But in my defense, I have a number of valid reasons why I am making again a new home for all my ideas and my experiences and these are just some of them.

First of all, I could not express my thoughts fully when I know people close to me read my entries. Friends and family members had already known about my blog that is why expressing my thoughts and emotions had been very hard to do in my two other existent blogs. I have this distorted notion about expressing one's self. I never wanted to share much about myself to the world, or even to those people close to me for fear that I would become too transparent and predictable. I don't like them to look at me like they know me that well. Because of this, I make it a point to filter first my ideas before concretizing my adventures or misadventures through words until it becomes a whole entry. This then leaves my blog kind of impersonal and unfamiliar to me.

Lately, it dawned unto me that the notion is just plain stupid. Since they are also the very same people whom I have shared my experiences, thoughts, feelings, dreams and all those time and years with, it would really be impossible and even be illogical for them to not know me. Kahit magkuwento man ako o hindi, I am sure that they already know who I am inside and out. I now believe that it would be more perplexing if it is the other way around.

Secondly, it is easier for me to start with a clean slate. A clean slate is as enticing as a new beginning for a repenting person or a new set of school stuffs for a pre-schooler.

Lastly, I want to find myself again through writing. Writing is supposed to be liberating and that is what I love about it. A terrible day would pretty much entail a long journal entry from me; but by the time I am done writing, believe me, all the stress and fears that I had felt before would had already flown out of my system. And the good part about it is that I don't have to put so much effort on expressing those emotions. No one will get hurt and no thing will be broken because of my moodiness. But honestly, it has already been a long time since I last felt that way after finishing a piece. Writing had been quite a drag for quite some time now and I am only finding myself doing it because of the relentless belief that maybe I could find that joy again if I just write and write and write. I had lost an outlet and it felt like I had lost an ever dependable friend. It is quite unfortunate, really, but I am still hopeful for our reconciliation. Writing is my first love and giving up on my first love is something that I will never ever do. I am positive about finding again soon that happiness I have been looking for from writing along the process.

Even before, I always wanted to be famous. I would always daydream about me being on the runway although I am not model material, being in the television starring on a teleserye, being a leading lady in a movie, being the lead singer of a band or whatever it is that would consider me famous. Anything basta masabing sikat. But as I grew up, my vague dream became clearer. I want to be a writer but I have never thought of being a full-time one. Tipong sideline since I love writing. After that, it has always been my dream to write an article and for it to get published in a renowned magazine or newspaper. Clearly, that dream never left. I really wanted to be a writer and I want to be an effective one for that matter. An effective writer for me is one who is able to share what he has written to the world and who is able to touch, inspire and affect the lives, or just even turn around a bad day of whoever had read it. You can never be a genuine writer as much as you can never be a real musician, entertainer or whatever it is that you want to be if you do not have an audience to share your God-given talent with and if you have no idea on how you will going to use it for the betterment of your community.

Yes, I am guilty of that.

It was only a year ago when I decided to have my own blog. I guess I had seen then the impracticality of still writing my entries on a piece of paper amidst the growing popularity of the internet and having a blog. I have two other blogs other than this but these blogs that I am talking about never served their full purpose since I am quite hesitant about advertising them to other people. Those two were made for private consumption and entertainment only which practically goes against to what I want to become. It was only recently that my relatives and a few of my close friends had known about these blogs but then again, like all the things and activities that I had enthusiastically started, these blogs are now left inactive. I grew tired of it even though I have not really started yet. I was always finding myself at loss of worthy ideas to share maybe because I really do not have anything worthy to share to start with. I forgot how to listen to people, to just be a keen-observer, to just find beauty in life or to just think and collect. I just felt disconnected somehow. But that's why I am here, more than willing to take a fresh start. I want to feel connected again to it. I want to find myself lost to it. I want to fall all over again... find myself be liberated and happy just by writing. Basically, I just want my old friend back.