A Clean Slate

Here I am again. Starting again a new blog. But in my defense, I have a number of valid reasons why I am making again a new home for all my ideas and my experiences and these are just some of them.

First of all, I could not express my thoughts fully when I know people close to me read my entries. Friends and family members had already known about my blog that is why expressing my thoughts and emotions had been very hard to do in my two other existent blogs. I have this distorted notion about expressing one's self. I never wanted to share much about myself to the world, or even to those people close to me for fear that I would become too transparent and predictable. I don't like them to look at me like they know me that well. Because of this, I make it a point to filter first my ideas before concretizing my adventures or misadventures through words until it becomes a whole entry. This then leaves my blog kind of impersonal and unfamiliar to me.

Lately, it dawned unto me that the notion is just plain stupid. Since they are also the very same people whom I have shared my experiences, thoughts, feelings, dreams and all those time and years with, it would really be impossible and even be illogical for them to not know me. Kahit magkuwento man ako o hindi, I am sure that they already know who I am inside and out. I now believe that it would be more perplexing if it is the other way around.

Secondly, it is easier for me to start with a clean slate. A clean slate is as enticing as a new beginning for a repenting person or a new set of school stuffs for a pre-schooler.

Lastly, I want to find myself again through writing. Writing is supposed to be liberating and that is what I love about it. A terrible day would pretty much entail a long journal entry from me; but by the time I am done writing, believe me, all the stress and fears that I had felt before would had already flown out of my system. And the good part about it is that I don't have to put so much effort on expressing those emotions. No one will get hurt and no thing will be broken because of my moodiness. But honestly, it has already been a long time since I last felt that way after finishing a piece. Writing had been quite a drag for quite some time now and I am only finding myself doing it because of the relentless belief that maybe I could find that joy again if I just write and write and write. I had lost an outlet and it felt like I had lost an ever dependable friend. It is quite unfortunate, really, but I am still hopeful for our reconciliation. Writing is my first love and giving up on my first love is something that I will never ever do. I am positive about finding again soon that happiness I have been looking for from writing along the process.

Even before, I always wanted to be famous. I would always daydream about me being on the runway although I am not model material, being in the television starring on a teleserye, being a leading lady in a movie, being the lead singer of a band or whatever it is that would consider me famous. Anything basta masabing sikat. But as I grew up, my vague dream became clearer. I want to be a writer but I have never thought of being a full-time one. Tipong sideline since I love writing. After that, it has always been my dream to write an article and for it to get published in a renowned magazine or newspaper. Clearly, that dream never left. I really wanted to be a writer and I want to be an effective one for that matter. An effective writer for me is one who is able to share what he has written to the world and who is able to touch, inspire and affect the lives, or just even turn around a bad day of whoever had read it. You can never be a genuine writer as much as you can never be a real musician, entertainer or whatever it is that you want to be if you do not have an audience to share your God-given talent with and if you have no idea on how you will going to use it for the betterment of your community.

Yes, I am guilty of that.

It was only a year ago when I decided to have my own blog. I guess I had seen then the impracticality of still writing my entries on a piece of paper amidst the growing popularity of the internet and having a blog. I have two other blogs other than this but these blogs that I am talking about never served their full purpose since I am quite hesitant about advertising them to other people. Those two were made for private consumption and entertainment only which practically goes against to what I want to become. It was only recently that my relatives and a few of my close friends had known about these blogs but then again, like all the things and activities that I had enthusiastically started, these blogs are now left inactive. I grew tired of it even though I have not really started yet. I was always finding myself at loss of worthy ideas to share maybe because I really do not have anything worthy to share to start with. I forgot how to listen to people, to just be a keen-observer, to just find beauty in life or to just think and collect. I just felt disconnected somehow. But that's why I am here, more than willing to take a fresh start. I want to feel connected again to it. I want to find myself lost to it. I want to fall all over again... find myself be liberated and happy just by writing. Basically, I just want my old friend back.